


Doki Doki no Jutsu

by orphan_account



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel), Naruto
Genre: Ahaha :), Crack, Funny hurt/comfort, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Ninja, Or at least common sense, Playing video game, Suspension Of Disbelief, Tailed beast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-03-31 05:00:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13967826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What happens when hardened ninjas and tailed beasts play a popular visual novel? One which fills them with joy and happiness, before mercilessly ripping their heart out and stomping it to a pulp. The ninja world won't be the same again that's for sure. May the Sage help the poor souls.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Doki Doki Literature club or Naruto

* * *

A blonde haired, whisker-faced boy of twelve years lay prone on his bed, with his blanket over him. His apartment was a mess of discarded clothes, unwashed dishes and a biosphere of unique creatures growing in his fridge.

It was dark outside, as could be seen from the windows, and it was fast approaching midnight. The only light in the room was from the device the boy held in his hands, whose screen he flicked and swiped with a grin on his face.

'Man, can't believe the old man gave me this mini computer thingy even after all that happened tonight,' he thought. He ran his hand over his shoulder and stomach and winced, 'gah, still hurts... man I hope Iruka-sensei's doing okay.'

'Becoming a ninja is all nice but,' he touched the forehead protector tied around his head, which he hadn't removed since the second his teacher put it on him, 'it doesn't feel right to celebrate when sensei's not okay.'

The boy sighed and went back to flicking the screen and watching it change colors.

'Still I got a new thingy. I bet no else in class has one! Ha!,' he snickered, 'I bet dear ol'Sasuke doesn't even know what a tablet is. And then Sakura-chan will be like. Oh, Naruto-kun~ Please show me how to push these invisible buttons. And maybe we can push each other's buttons as well~'

Naruto's own thoughts made him blush, and he scratched his cheek, 'I'm a horrible person. But hey I'm the Kyuubi's jailer, I get to be a little horrible right?'

His mind then went to the Hokage's office, when the Hokage handed over the tablet to him.

' _No Naruto, you cannot be horrible to people because you contain the Kyuubi.'_

' _But they're all so horrible to me! Where's the justice in that! I didn't ask for this.'_

' _... I want to say I understand, but really I cannot. Is there any way you can redirect your anger?'_

' _Well... I can pran-'_

' _And no pranks please, Naruto. You're a ninja now, better curb your mischief before it gets you and others in trouble. And I'm saying that as your Hokage.'_

' _B-But what else can I do? No one likes me anyway. I've got nothing else to do.'_

' _Nothing else to do eh? Well let's see if I can't sort that out. I am the Professor after all.'_

And the Hokage had tossed him a brand new tablet computer and told him to knock himself out. He'd told him to use it whenever he felt too emotionally compromised and had to went his frustrations. Better distract yourself than with something other than pranks, and that internet always has something.

Then the Hokage started reminiscing about when he first started using the internet to chat with his son when he used to work at the fire temple.

Naruto had tuned him out at that point, his attention transfixed by the shiny black gadget in his hands.

The tablet in his hands then buzzed, snapping him back to the present moment. Naruto swiped the notification which said 'Download Complete: Doki Doki Literature Club'.

He wrapped the blanket around himself to make himself more comfortable and started the game. He'd read on a website that it was one of the most innovative games to ever release and also that it was free.

Imagine that! Free! It was a no-brainer for him then, to get that game into his tablet as soon as possible.

'Yay, my first video game,' he thought started it and the title screen opened up. 'Oh my gosh, they're so cute!' He blushed when the four girls appeared on the screen. Naruto glance at the time in the corner of his tablet.

'Well... I'll just play it for one hour. I mean it's just team assignment right?'

The young boy then hit the new game and thus began his journey into the literature club filled with magic, poetry, romance... and much much more.

'Huh, childhood friend?' He smiled, 'that's a first. Oh well, hi Sayori! I'm gonna be the best childhood friend ever!'

He then blushed when she smiled at him.

'Believe it!'

* * *

**A few hours later**

_I gently open the door._

Naruto's eyes bugged out. He blinked once. He blinked twice.

His eyes rolled up and he fainted.

* * *

**In a sewer**

"Waaah!" Naruto wailed, "She's gone Mr. Fox! My best friend's gone! I couldn't do anything to save her! I'm a horrible person!" Naruto buried his weeping face into the fluffy orange snout of fox he'd found sleeping in a cage.

" **Kid, let me go before I swat you like a bug."** The Kyuubi growled at the boy who he couldn't quite see. The damn insect just  _had_ to latch himself in his blind spot below his nose. Now, squinting his eyes, he looked like an idiot rather than intimidating.

"I didn't pay attention to her! Even after she told me everything!" Naruto hugged Kyuubi tighter.

" **Do you even know who I am?"**

Naruto started punching his Kyuubi cushion in his grief. "I'll do anything to get her back! This world is horrible."

Kyuubi's paw paused in it's rapid descent towards Naruto's head with those words.  **"Anything?"** His fangs were on full display as he grinned cruelly.

Naruto nodded his head rapidly. "Anything, Mr. Fox!"

Kyuubi roared in laughter.  **"Then just go out of the cage and pull of that rotting paper attached to it, kid. And I'll see if I can't help you out."** Hey, it  _was_ the Kyuubi no Kitsune. How hard could bringing someone back to life be?

Naruto looked up and his lips wobbled. "Promise, Mr. Fox?"

Kyuubi resisted the urge to slap his snout.  **"Yeah, kid. Promise."** It wasn't like he was going to break his word or anything. The Sage would rant at him for centuries if he did that.

Naruto rubbed his eyes dry and trudged outside the cage. He grabbed the paper holding the seal, and just as he ripped it off-

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Naruto-kun." A tall blonde haired man looked down at him with a gentle smile. "Whatever it is you wanted, I'm sure there are better ways-"

Naruto punched him in the balls.

"Gah!" The man's eyes bulged out and he fell down, grabbing his crotch. He groaned in pain and twisted in the sewer waters. The Kyuubi broke down in laughter, banging the floor of his cage with his paws.

"How the hell did you know my name, you creep! And no one is gonna stop me from saving my best friend!" Naruto hollered at the man and ripped off the seal.

" **Yes,** _ **yes**_ **... Freedom!"** A flash of light and the Kyuubi vanished.

Naruto looked around in confusion. "Mr. Fox?" he said, running into the cage and searching for his furry friend.

Meanwhile, the Fourth Hokage continued to twist on the floor in pain, "just... like his mother...," he groaned out.

* * *

**Back in Naruto's room**

The Kyuubi, now controlling Naruto's body, scrolled through the game text. His red eyes gleamed in the dark.

" **Now, let's see if we can't bring this Sayori back to life."**

The Kyuubi chuckled.

" **Humans, always clouded by their emotions."**

He continued the game from Naruto's save point.

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

" **Stop talking to me so sweetly, Humans. I am the mighty Kyuubi!"**

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

" **Oh you like my poem? Why, thank you Yuri-cha- I mean human girl."**

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

" **Ugh, would they stop arguing already? Why can't we all be friends? Damn it, I miss my family."**

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

" **Okay, another poem, Yuri? Fine I'll read it... What is this?"**

" **Is-Is that blood? Are those tea stains? Are you oka- Aah! The hell! Why'd you get so close! You scared me!"**

" **... ookay, I think you need to see a healer. Or- wait, put the knife down Yuri."**

" **No! No! Stop! Stoooop! Don't hurt yourself! NOOOOOOO! WHYYYY! I LOVE YOU TOO! WHY?!"**

" **..."**

" **... sniff. I have to stare at your dead body now?"**

" **... wahh! I can't take it. Sage where are youuuuu!"**

Naruto's body went limp and crumpled onto his bed.

* * *

**Back in the sewer**

Naruto and the Fourth Hokage were playing UNO on a table, while the Hokage lectured Naruto.

"-and when giant malevolent beings promise you things like, bringing someone back to life and such, you should never listen to them." He slammed a draw four and grinned when his son groaned. "Change to red," he said.

Naruto grumbled and picked up four cards, "but Mr. Fox promised. Everybody knows you don't break a promise."

The Fourth Hokage gave his son a weirded out look, "Naruto... we're nin-"

The sewer flashed red.

" **Kid!"**

A streak of red slammed Naruto off his chair and threw him to the floor. The Fourth Hokage leapt to his feet, alarmed for his son. "Naruto!" His special kunai flashed into his hands, ready to make away with the demon.

" **I'm so sorry kid! I couldn't do anything!"**

The Fourth Hokage saw what lay on the floor and sweat dropped.

A miniature Kyuubi, the size of a normal fox, was straddling his son and whining pitifully.  **"I- I tried everything I could! I tried to keep them all happy! I- I'm so useless!"**

Naruto teared up and hugged the tailed beast close to his chest. "There there, Mr. Fox. Let it all out. It's- it's gonna be fine-"

" **It'll never be fine! Oh Sage! Why? I'll do anything to get her back!"**

A light bulb lit up in the Fourth Hokage's head. A slow grin formed on his face, "anything you say? I might be of some service."

Naruto sat up excitedly, "you can?"

The Kyuubi glared at him, leaning into Naruto's shoulder.  **"What can** _ **you**_ **do, when I couldn't do a damn thing."**

The Fourth Hokage laughed and thumped his chest proudly, "Ho ho ho, I don't mean to brag but I  _did_  seal you."

The Kyuubi grumbled. Naruto cheered.

The Fourth Hokage smirked at the Kyuubi. "I'll hold you to your promise, demon." He disappeared in a yellow flash.

" **I didn't promise you a damn thing!"**

* * *

**Back in Naruto's apartment**

Naruto body jerked and its eyes snapped open. It pushed itself from the ground to a sitting position and looked around.

It sighed, "yep, just as untidy as your mother. Anyway let's see what I can do."

It picked up the tablet and resumed the Kyuubi's playthrough.

"Hm, let's see. Dead body. Multiple stab wounds. Signs of decay... Something tells me that there's been a murder here."

The Fourth Hokage put his detective skills to the test.

"Observing the state of the body the time of murder would be-"

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

"I've been here for the whole weekend! Oh my god!"

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

"Ahh! Spooky eyes! Spooky eyes! Get away from me! And what the hell is with that mouth!"

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

"Have I died and is this purgatory? This was  _not_ how I pictured the Shinigami's stomach to be."

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

"Sniff, sniff. Let me choose! Please! Let me have some form of control! Urrgh. Kushina, I'm scared..."

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

"I don't want to delete her... But I can't let her do this... But I don't want to delete her... But I can't let her do this... Aah! I'm sorry, but I have to do this!"

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

"Oh no... I deleted... I deleted them all... I'm... I'm a monster... I can't forgive myself..."

The Fourth Hokage sobbed into his borrowed body's shoulder, "I can't forgive myself!"

Naruto's body crumpled once again.

* * *

Naruto and Kyuubi woke up from their nap when the heard the whimpers of a man beside them.

"Are you okay?" said Naruto, blinking his eyes open and crawling over to him. He hesitantly putting a hand on the man's shoulder. The Fourth Hokage burst into tears, and buried his face in his hands, "I killed them! I killed all of them! I'm the bloody Hokage and I couldn't do a damn thing!"

Kyuubi walked over to the Hokage and growled,  **"What happened, _mighty_  Hokage?"**

The Hokage took that as an invitation to hug the mini Kyuubi. The Kyuubi yelped, as the man buried his face into the tailed beast's fur.

"Monika deleted everyone and then sealed me in a space-time room with her," the Hokage choked out, "I-I was forced to delete her...," he hugged the Kyuubi tighter, "I was forced to do it..." he whispered.

The Kyuubi's eyes widened and he exchanged a look with Naruto. He then looked at the Hokage with a much softer gaze and wrapped a tail around the broken man. Naruto sat beside the Hokage and put his hand around his shoulder.

" **What happened next?"** said the Kyuubi, his voice gentle.

The Hokage rubbed his eyes with his sleeve, "then the whole game reset without Monika. The girls came back..."

"Isn't... isn't that a good thing? You saved at least three of them right?" Naruto said, his eyes scrunched in confusion.

The Hokage shook his head, "no. Sayori changed... She... I think she couldn't accept the confines of her world." The Hokage's throat constricted, "Monika saved us in the end. She killed everyone again, including herself just to save us."

Kyuubi and Naruto's eyes began to water and their hugs became tighter, more desperate.

" **Humans... I'm there for you... So just... let it all out."** The Kyuubi gave them a watery grin.

"I'm here for you too, Mr. Fox! And you too Fourth-sama, We didn't finish our UNO match yet!" Naruto smiled like always, hiding his pain behind faked happiness.

"You guys... Thank you..." The Fourth Hokage swore eternal friendship to his comrades in love. They were the only ones who could feel the sting he so sorely felt. The only ones who knew the hole the girls' absence had left in his heart.

* * *

The three of them went on to become a successful content creator called the 'SchizoGamerz''. The three of them would do Let's plays, skits and game reviews with each of them giving and snatching control of Naruto's body.

" **The hell is this game! If I were the developer I would shoot myself and do the world a favor!"**

"Hey come on, Mr. Fox! Don't be mean! The graphics are Awesome!"

" **There is no depth in this crap! You kids never look at the deeper stuff!"**

" _Oh... deeper stuff you say... ho ho ho."_

"Hey stop being a pervert, old man!"

" _Don't think I don't know about those magazines, Naruto-kun."_

"Hey! Don't you know what privacy means!"

" _Ho ho ho."_

" **Humans! Focus on the game! I'll be damned if we lose 'UchihaSupreme'! "**

SchizoGamerz became a worldwide sensation overnight. However, not all type of attention is good.

But that is a story for another day.

" **I give this a negative bijuu-dama!"**

"Oh, Mr. Fox."

" _Picky as always, Kyuubi. Picky as always."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Yo. I hope I did my best to make you laugh :)
> 
> Ciao~
> 
> Have a great day.


	2. A Grin of Sand: part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Doki Doki Literature Club or Naruto

* * *

Sabaku no Gaara. It was a name that inspired fear, terror, and a fevered inquiry into the existence of an afterlife.

Fevered because you didn't know when you might turn down a street and get sand into your shoes, courtesy of a red haired boy with a massive grin stretched across his face and a clawed hand reaching out to you.

"Sand coffin."

Those were the last words heard by a lot of people in Suna. They were not very nice words, but they were words all the same. They were more words than most people got before they died. But were also words that they'd rather do without. Sadly, most people don't get to choose the hand they are dealt in life.

And when life throws a Gaara your way-

"Mother sings for your blood," said the sandman, to the group of genin backed up against a dome of sand. The moonlight shone on their faces frozen in terror. The demon smiled.

\- You better hope to hell that you got a Naruto behind your back.

"Giant Sand Burial,"said the hoarse voice of the boy.

In Suna, muffled screams were the music of the night.

* * *

Gaara observed the commotion his siblings were causing. He was perched upside down on the tree and saw Kankuro manhandle a child, raising him by his collar. Two leaf ninjas were bickering with his siblings. And his brother chose now of all times to posture.

Gaara scowled. Fools. They were here for an invasion. And they decide to get into an argument with their hosts? His hands twitched. He should kill them right now and spare them the embarrassment of ruining their plans. He would not be denied his promised feast.

" **All in good time, son. All in good time,"** mother's voice hissed in his mind, like falling grains of sand.  **"They are** _ **family.**_ **And family deserves special treatment. You wouldn't give family the usual course would you, my dear boy?"**

Gaara shook his head slightly. Yes, mother was right. They were family. He knew them all his life. And in their parting, he should remember them for the rest of his life.

Years after burying them, he should be able to reminisce the way they screamed, their tears, the crunch of their bones, the splash of their blood.

They were family. And family should never be forgotten.

A smile broke out on his lips. He could get creative. He could betray them after gaining their trust, he could murder Kankuro and chase a scared Temari around the world, he could pretend that he wanted to be  _saved_  and rack up his kill count in the mean time.

The possibilities were  _endless._

And right now? He had the perfect excuse to go wild and let loose the artist within him. The villages wouldn't miss genin too weak to survive the chunin exams. And he was getting tired of routine feasting anyway.

His eyes flicked to the boy who had jumped onto the branch beside him, and was observing the argument occurring below. The boy juggled two stones in his hands, and then threw one at his brother. He followed up with a query about his siblings' presence in the Leaf village.

Gaara felt a strong urge to choke the boy.

" **Either he saw what was happening, grabbed two stones, climbed up the tree, and waited for the drama to escalate. Or, he just goes around picking up stones and juggling them."** Mother scoffed.  **"These are what pass for genin these days?"**

Gaara agreed with his mother. He wasn't impressed. He looked at the boy, mouthing off his siblings. Apparently he didn't have self-preservation skills as well. He should have noticed the bloodlust lurking just behind him.

The sandman decided that he'd had enough of this and announced his presence.

"Kankuro." He didn't have to raise his voice. His siblings always heard him.

Kankuro and Temari jerked and snapped their heads up. "G-Gaara," said his brother.

"Stop messing around. We have other things to do," Gaara spared the stone fondler, who was giving him a wide eyed look, a glance before he sand flickered to the ground, before his siblings.

"Y-Yeah, sorry," said his brother, sweating. "I wasn't serious, just sizing the compet-"

"Shut up."

Kankuro flinched. "Y-Yeah..."

Gaara felt like sneering at how spineless he was. "Whatever, let's go."

As he walked a few steps towards their hotel-

"Hey, wait!" the stone fondler beckoned.

The sandman's gaze fell upon him. Did he desire stones?

"What's your name?" the boy asked.

His sister spoke with the boy, while his eyes fell upon the blond haired genin crouching beside the victim of Kankuro's posturing. The genin slowly turned and regarded him with wide eyes, as if noticing his gaze.

Gaara scowled. Something was... off about him...

"No, the one with the gourd," the fondler addressed him.

Gaara regarded him, impressed. At least he knew who the big fish was. "My name is Sabaku no Gaara."

The fondler pointed at himself. "I'm Uchiha Sasuke."

The blond then beat a hand against his chest and declared, "and I'm Uzumaki Naruto!"

...despite the warning bells, he looked weak. Gaara said, "not interest-"

A wave of chakra hit him and Gaara fell to his knees, screaming and grabbing his head. A foreign voice roared in his head.

" **And I'm the Kyuubi no Kitsune!"**

" **Kurama! Get lost! This is my host!"** Mother shrieked.

" _And I'm the Fourth Hokage! Pleased to meet you!"_ said another voice,  _"my, this is some shoddy seal work. Don't worry, young man. I'll fix it!_ "

Gaara's over encumbered mind shut down and his body hit the floor.

Temari and Kankuro immediately knelt beside him.

"Gaara!" said a distraught Kankuro. "Gaara, don't do this! Come on Gaara, wake up!" He coated his fingers with chakra and began banging the sandman's chest.

The way Gaara's body rose and fell with each strike suggested that this action was a bit too enthusiastic. "It's such a bright day man, so please wake up! You can go for a stroll!"

Meanwhile, Temari was slapping his cheeks and hollering in his ears. "Get up you little bastard! If you don't I swear I'll get Kankuro to start giving you CPR!"

"Temari!"

"Shut up! You'll do it if you want to live!"

The gathered children and genin watched this with bemused looks.

While Naruto wiped a tear off his eye, "man," he said, "sibling love is beautiful."

* * *

" **... what do you want Kurama?"** said the one-tailed tanuki, glaring at the fox moseying around in the mind of its host.

" **Is that any way to greet your big brother?"** said Kurama, inspecting the sand castles that littered the mindspace.

There were small castles, there were large castles. Some were built like fortified battle fortresses, others were built like a settlement with a central castle in the middle of an outgrowing city.

" **Damn your host is creative, all mine does is wet both his bed** _ **and**_ **his mind,"** said Kurama.

"Come on, my son's not  _that_  bad," said Minato, standing before Shukaku's prison and examining the seal with one hand folded and the other rubbing his chin. He had a frown on his face, "wow this seal is bad. And anyway, I'm pretty sure he stopped like... one, two years ago?"

" **Yeah right, if you ask me it's probably because of the overflowing sewage in his head,"** Kurama finished his inspection of the surroundings and sat down on his haunches,  **"poor kid's body had to find some way to chuck it outta him."**

Shukaku was staring at Minato,  **"Kurama, what is the human doing here?"**

Kurama spared Minato a glance,  **"him? Don't worry he's harmless."**

Minato chuckled. "As harmless as a seal master you mean," he said and sat down, summoning a scroll and a paint brush.

Kurama ignored him and grinned at the tanuki.  **"Anyway, how's the runt of the family doing? How's the wind country? You eating okay? Not that we eat or anything. Actually, I think you should eat a little less. Just look at that bloated belly of yours. You fatass bas-"**

" **Oi!"** Shukaku roared, but it sounded more whiny and petulant than incensed.  **"I'm a tanuki okay! And tanukis have a round belly by nature,"** Shukaku glowered.

Kurama raised a brow,  **"yeah, right. You're as much a tanuki as I'm a flying pig. That's why I always told you to get out more and see the world, instead of just sunbathing in the deserts and relaxing in oases."**

" **The hell?"** Shukaku glared.  **"What're you getting at? I look just like the tanukis in the Sage's books."**

" **Ever see a real one?"** Kurama gave him a mocking smile.

Shukaku looked away and scratched his ear,  **"uhh, you know how it is. Been so busy, the centuries just go by and all. Oh, but I heard they live in forests."** Shukaku grinned and gave himself a mental pat.

" **Yup. Point proven. QED and all that human shit."** Kurama then poked Minato with a finger,  **"you see this, human? This is what happens when you become a shut in and decide to be ignorant of the world. We gotta take the kid out exploring some time."**

Minato looked up from the half-finished seal on the floor, "oh? But he'll be going on higher ranked missions pretty soon. He'll get to see the world, won't he?"

" **Will he see all of it? And by see, I didn't just mean your ninja job specific part of it."**

Minato hummed. "Yes, maybe. Anyway, we can discuss it later. I know a guy who we can guilt into helping out." Minato went back to painting his seal.

Shukaku observed this exchange with a frown.  **"Really Kurama, what do you want? You never talk to us unless you want something. And why aren't you crushing that human."**

Kurama glanced at Shukaku and looked away,  **"Why crush a bug that doesn't annoy you?"**

" **Yeah, well. That bug is going to meddle with my seal by the looks of it. So I'm a part of some big plan of yours now, is that it?"** Shukaku gave Kurama a bloodthirsty grin.  **"Don't tell me you caught wind of the insane jinchurikis of the one-tailed beast and decided to save the humans."**

The fox stood up and walked closer to the prison. He stared at the grinning tanuki for a moment before he spoke, " **why do you kill, Shukaku? Out of all of us, you are the only one that actively kills for no reason."**

Shukaku glared,  **"as if you don't. I know all about your history with the Leaf. You mindless do-"**

Kurama roared and struck the prison, making Shukaku flinch and raise his arms protectively. The bars let out an explosive clang.

Kurama's face was a ferocious scowl,  **"you call me mindless and I'll blast you so hard tha-"**

Kurama whipped his head at the prodding he felt on his hind legs, and saw Minato looking up at him.

Minato gave him a calm smile and shook his head.

Kurama growled and looked away. He sat back down on his haunches.  **"Okay, no more blaming and insults."**

Shukaku looked at this dynamic between the beast and the human with a puzzled frown. He saw the human give his brother a few enthusiastic pats and sit down, while his brother grumbled under his breath.

Shukaku wasn't stupid, he knew who the human was. The kanji on his cloak said fourth Hokage for Sage's sake. Shukaku also knew who was credited for killing his brother. The thing that confused him was why was his brother not boiling the bug in chakra yet.

" **... Kurama,"** said Shukaku.

The fox grunted, as if asking what.

" **What are humans to you?"**

" **What are they to you?"**

Shukaku shrugged,  **"entertainment. Game. Something to pass the time. Food."**

" **Entertainment?"** asked Kurama.  **"So are they the same as wild animals, or are they special? Hunt a deer, hunt a human. What's the difference?"**

Shukaku considered this.  **"... no. No, they're not the same."**

" **How?"**

" **Humans have a personality I can understand."** Shukaku grimaced.  **"Probably because the Sage was also a human."**

Kurama looked at Shukaku for a minute in silence. He then slowly shook his head.

" **I have an answer for your question, Shukaku. Or at least I have my own answer for your question. I don't think you'll accept that as you are now."**

" **As I am now? What's that supposed to mean?"** Kurama opened his mouth to reply but Shukaku cut him off.  **"Wait. Forget it. Just tell me what you want and get lost. I don't care about all this philosophical bullshit."**

Kurama nodded,  **"alright, here's what I want you to do. My jinchuriki will give yours a device which contains something called a 'Doki Doki Literature Club'. I want you to play it with your jinchuriki. And then meet me afterwards."**

Kurama gave Shukaku a grin which only the most vicious and terrible of the tailed beasts could give.  **"You see, you are going to be the first subject of an experiment of mine. And you can't say no Shukaku, not because I'm going to threaten you with death. But because your curiosity won't** _ **let**_ **you say no."**

Shukaku glared in the face of the Kyuubi's malice.  **"Curiosity kills cats, Kurama. I'm a tanuki. Give me one damn reason I should listen to you."**

The Kyuubi's gaze softened and he tenderly whispered a word, a word he filled with overflowing reverence.

" _ **Ninshuu..."**_

Shukaku's eyes widened and his jaw fell open.  **"W-What?!** _ **"**_

The Kyuubi chuckled. _ **"**_ **Finally Shukaku, someone got it right. And it doesn't even** _ **need**_ **chakra!** _ **"**_

Shukaku grabbed the bars of his prison and pressed himself against them, " _ **who?**_ **How?! What're you talking about?"**

Kurama gave him a lazy grin, his tails danced behind him.  **"Why don't you find out for yourself?"**

The mindscape flashed red and the Kyuubi and the human disappeared.

The bars of the prison clanged as the Ichibi desperately hit them.

" **Hey you fox bastard! What do you mean someone got it right! Kurama! Kuramaaa!"**

The Ichibi roared with rage for hours.

* * *

The moon shone on the village hidden in the leaves, and found a red haired jinchuriki sitting on the roof of a hotel.

"Mother..." said Gaara, looking the tablet in his hands with a frown. He'd found it buried within the sand in his gourd after mother had demanded that he find a device of some sort.

After threatening Kankuro, his brother mentioned that the blond haired genin must have snuck it in while they were busy trying to revive him.

Gaara shifted his sitting position and rubbed his cheeks. His body felt incredibly sore ever since he'd woken up. A smattering of ointments and body healing salves lay beside him, open and half-empty. He'd have to thank his siblings for them later, maybe he won't gift them a dead body this week.

It does well to encourage good behavior.

And maybe he should give Kankuro special consideration for teaching him how the tablet in his hands worked. That should motivate Temari to do better in gaining his favor.

Gaara swiped through the screens and pressed the icon of the game called 'Doki Doki Literature Club.' He grimaced when the music started playing and four girls in various poses, which he thought were ridiculous, appeared on the screen.

"Mother... is this really necessary?" said Gaara, with a emotionally blank face.

" **... yes."** His mother's voice echoed in his mind. However, it was much lower in volume since the incident in the day. Like a muffler or a filter had been placed in between them. He could hear his own thoughts now, without them getting intermingled with his mother's.

"But mother," said Gaara, "why don't we just look at the 'Torture through the ages' book I found on the internet? We'll have a much better time."

" **Just do it, okay?"** said his mother, sounding irritated.  **"I want to do this as much as you, but hey, here we are. And I'm telling you to do it."**

Gaara studied the four girls closely, he scrunched his face. "But mother... I don't want to-"

" **WHAT?!"** Gaara winced as his mother screamed and prepared himself for a rant. He wished he could shuffle out of the room when mother got like that, but the problem was that mother followed him wherever he went. He envied other people sometimes.

" **Are you disobeying me? Your mother? After all I've done for you? I took care of you, made sure you never got sick, played with you since you were a child,-"**

Gaara droned out the familiar speech and observed the nightlife below.

" **-taught you how to read and write, made you sand clothes, showed you all the watering holes in the desert,-"**

Gaara wondered what he'd be having for lunch tomorrow. Baki better not throw sweets at them again and call it nutrition. He hated sweets.

" **-and always protected you... are you even listening?"** said mother. Ah, she had paused a bit there at the end. It meant that she was suspicious. She always paused before a question if she was suspicious.

The jinchuriki obediently replied with his ready made answer.

"Yes, mother. Absolutely, mother. You are correct, mother. I was foolish for doubting you, mother. Your sand looks wonderful today, mother."

" **Damn right it does,"** mother's voice sounded smug.

Gaara could always trust his ready made answer to appease his mother. It had yet to fail him and always worked in every situation.

" **Anyway, let's get started shall we? I want to get this over with."**

Gaara sighed.

"Yes, mother."

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

"... mother what is this?"

Gaara made a face at the bow headed girl who looked at him strangely.

" **What's what?"**

"What she is doing with her lips... it seems familiar..."

" **...that's called a smile, boy."**

It made Gaara feel uncomfortable and warm inside.

"Looks painful."

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

_Adventure, Charm, Sunset, Fireflies, Nature_

" **You know, you'll enjoy the game better if you didn't just look up the words on the internet."**

Gaara continued entering the words into the mini game.

_Dark, Hurt, Marriage, Flower, Friends_

A little bow headed girl kept jumping happily at each word.

"It's faster this way, mother."

_Childhood, Happiness, Love, Raincloud, Pain_

Shukaku observed the little smile on Gaara's face with a frown.

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

" **Heh, if** _ **I**_ **were the MC then I'd get her room cleaned in no time!"**

"Yes, mother. Multi-tasking sand for the win."

" **Then maybe you'd like to go on a date with her, eh? Eh?"**

"Please, mother. How could I do that? You'd always be the third wheel."

" **... you dare talk back to your mother?!"**

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

" **Boy, are you alright?"**

Gaara's eyes had no life in them as he looked at the body hanging from the ceiling.

" **Come on boy, she's just a... just a human girl."**

Gaara smiled, it had no mirth in it. His eyes had a far off look.

"I wish I could have taken her to Suna. There is no rain in Suna."

Shukaku hesitated. This should be familiar territory to him. His jinchuriki never led happy lives. This was just a game right?

Then why was his chakra resonating with his jinchuriki's.

" **I don't think... that's what she meant. But the thought counts for something I suppose. She'd have loved to go there."**

Shukaku tried to sound upbeat, get the boy's mind onto something else.  **"It would've been awesome, right? We could've taken her swimming in the oasis we found on the way to Konoha!"**

A spark lit in Gaara's eyes. It died an ugly death a second later.

"Would have... yes."

Shukaku winced. He knew it, he was shit at human emotions.

" **Maybe we should stop playi-"**

"No."

There was steel in the boy's voice.

"I will continue. There must be a way to bring her back."

The bijuu and the jinchuriki's chakra flared together. And Shukaku felt the full brunt of Gaara's emotions slam into him. He had to take a step back to stabilize himself. Shukaku stared at his paws and shook his head.

" **I... understand. But no. You will not."**

Gaara snarled. "Mother y-"

" _ **I**_ **will, boy. And also, today's the full moon."**

Gaara's head snapped up to look at the moon and... found a half moon.

" **Psyche!"**

A tendril of sand burst out of the gourd and snapped Gaara at the base of his neck.

"Mo...ther..." said Gaara as lost consciousness and he fell backwards.

" **Hah! I beat her this time!"**

_**~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~** _

And Shukaku, controlling his host's body, played the game.

He cleared it once.

" **Damn, being a human** _ **sucks.**_ **Sure glad I'm a bijuu!"** his voice sounded fake even to him.

He cleared it twice.

" **Live! Sage damn you!"**

He cleared it thrice.

" **Why. can't. my. sand. reach. you."** He drowned the tablet in his sand, hoping that it would seep into the game.  **"My. sand. can. protect."**

He roared.  **"I am the ultimate shield!"**

He cleared it again. And again. And again.

And then.

He gave up.

" **Humans... are so** _ **frail."**_

Shukaku put the tablet aside and looked at the village below him with sigh.

He had to blink twice to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

He did not see bugs which could be crushed for fun.

No. His eyes told him something else.

He saw faces. He saw smiles. He saw sadness. He saw joy.

He saw the Sage in them.

He saw the girls in them.

He saw his siblings in them.

...even that damn fox.

Was this what Kurama meant? Was this what he understood within his jinchuriki?

...jinchuriki?!

Shukaku's eyes widened.

" **The boy!"**

Shukaku vanished into his jailer's mindscape.

* * *

The sand within the prison coalesced into a huge ball of shifting sand. It then folded into itself, spun in places and a tail pierced out of it. The sand fell to reveal Shukaku's gigantic form.

"Hello... Shukaku."

Shukaku spotted his jinchuriki a little ways away from the prison beside the fortress sandcastle. They boy stood before a set of statues and was manipulating the sand with his hands to sculpt them.

Shukaku grinned.  **"Oh, calling your mother by her name now, eh? Is this your rebellious phase?"**

Gaara shook his head and stepped aside, revealing the statues of four girls to Shukaku. "How do they look?"

The jailer and the prisoner's chakra pulsed as one again.

" **They look happy, boy."** Shukaku watched, as Gaara smiled and sat down beside the four girls.

"Thank you, I'm glad that I can at least portray happiness in others." Gaara gazed at the statues and sighed. "I saw what you did, mother. Thank you for trying. And I'm sorry I could not help."

Shukaku remained silent, his sands shifted. He sensed that the boy had something on his mind.

Gaara kept his gaze on the statue with a small bow on its head. Its eyes were crinkled in joy.

"The first time someone told me they loved me, they tried to kill me. I'm sure you remember Yashamaru."

Shukaku grunted. He remembered that night, the night the boy opened himself up to him.

"The second time someone told me they loved me, they killed themself."

Shukaku studied the smile on the boy's face as he stared at the statue. The girl... she had taught him how to smile again. Seeing the bright upturn of her lips repeatedly must have rubbed off on him.

Gaara looked down. "I wonder what will happen the third time..."

Now, Shukaku felt that he had to interject.

" **You're wrong, boy."** Gaara looked up.  **"** _ **This**_ **was the third time you were told that."**

Gaara frowned. "What are you saying?"

" **The first time someone told they loved you? They died for you, boy."**

"Yasham-"

" **No, not that sack of shit. I'm talking about someone else."**

"Who, Shukaku?"

" **Your human mother."**

Gaara scowled at the beast. "If this is a joke, I'm not laughing. Yashamaru told me sh-"

" **Again with that sack of shit? Well here's some news for you. That human was a ninja. He's a professional liar. Now, would you listen to someone who was there when you were born? Or will you continue to believe a professional liar?"**

"...okay, tell me."

" **Your mother, your human mother. With her dying chakra she sought to protect you, always. My sand isn't half as fast at protecting you as hers. Not bad for a dying human eh?"** Shukaku grinned.

Gaara scrunched his eyes, confused. "Protect... me?"

" **You know, if it weren't for her-"**

Shukaku lashed his hand out and a tendril of sand burst out of the ground and whipped at Gaara.

A wall of sand exploded from the ground and blocked the tendril right before it would've struck Gaara's face.

" **-you'd have been long dead by now. Your mind is full of** _ **sand**_ **for Sage's sake. My specialty."**

Gaara's eyes were wide. He turned to the grinning Shukaku and then to the wall of sand which still moved in tandem with the tendril. Not giving it any opening to strike at the boy.

He reached out his hand and touched the wall. He gasped when a thin line of sand coiled around his palm. "M-Mother?" his hand shook. The line of sand held his arm steady and strong.

"Y-You're... protecting me?" Gaara whispered, his voice almost cracked.

Shukaku let his jinchuriki have his moment for a while before dispersing the tendril. With no danger present, the wall of sand fell as well.

Gaara stood up and looked at Shukaku. There was a spark in his eyes.

"Protect... Shukaku... People like my friends... I want to protect. Just like my mother."

Shukaku made an indignant face and opened his mouth.

"My human mother I mean."

Shukaku closed his mouth and nodded, appeased at the clarification.

Shukaku then shook his head and gave Gaara a vicious grin.  **"Nah, Boy! We ain't gonna protect! What do you take me for?"**

Gaara narrowed his eyes. "I will fight you if I have to Shukaku... I've had enough feasting."

Shukaku laughed and slapped his belly,  **"Nah! You misunderstand! We ain't gonna protect. We're gonna** _ **Protecc**_ **! There is a difference."**

Unbidden, a snicker burst out of Gaara and he grinned at the beast.

"Ah, you have become a bijuu of culture I see."

" **Damn straight, boy!"**

Sometimes, it is amazing how fast people, and bijuu, catch on to lingo on the internets.

" **None shall be spared from our sands of** _ **love~"**_

And sometimes, it is downright scary how easily the internet can change people, and bijuu, within the span of one night.

" **Booyah!"**

"Mother, please. Nobody says that anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:-
> 
> Sup folks! Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Stay tuned for part 2!
> 
> Ciao!
> 
> Have a great day!


	3. A Grin of Sand: part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Doki Doki Literature Club or Naruto

* * *

Needless to say, Gaara's actions from then on reflected his new philosophy.

Gaara stared at himself in the bathroom mirror and psyched himself up for the day.

He chanted to himself under his breath, while pumping his arms back and forth.

"Love and Peace. Love and Peace. Love and Peace."

Within Gaara's mind, Shukaku was bouncing back and forth, rocking on his feet with an excited grin. They'd spent the whole night coming up with awesome new killer atta-..., superb new life saver attacks! He couldn't wait to use them on people.

He hadn't been this excited since the trip to the moon the Sage had taken them on to meet their Uncle. He still remembered fooling around and tussling with his siblings in the reduced gravity. And despite what his siblings said, he believed he was his Uncle's favorite.

"Ready, Shukaku?"

Shukaku snapped back to reality and grinned.  **"Always, boy."**

Gaara folded into himself, as if finding new hidden power inside a previously unknown crevice within him.

"Gaaaaaaah!" Gaara began powering up.

" **Gaaaaaaah!"** Shukaku began powering up.

Sand slithered out of the gourd and began swirling around the boy in the likeness of a grainy and dusty aura.

"Aaaaaah!" Gaara could feel the power overflowing!

" **Aaaaaah!"** Shukaku could feel the power overflowing!

Their chakra pulsed, and sang, and danced, and rapped, and jazzed, and rocked, and rippled together as one.

"Yaaaaah!" Gaara could feel the beast within him!

" **Yaaaaah!"** Shukaku got spooked by a spider in the corner of the room.

Their aura was practically a flame now.

The door to the restroom opened slightly, Kankuro peeked inside, he saw his brother screaming at his own reflection.

Some part of him felt sorry for his brother, he politely closed the door, not wanting to interfere with his brother's moment of insanity. It was rare that he ever had favor over Temari, and he wasn't going to ruin it. He could always pee later.

And then Gaara threw his hands over his head thrust out his chest.

"Hyah!" His body spasmed with the power unleashed.

He panted all slow and dramatic, his eyes had the gaze of a man who had achieved a new transformation, and was ready to beat the shit out of his enemy.

The sand was still swirling around him though.

"Mother!" Gaara hissed.

" **Oh, shit! Right, sorry!"**

The sandy aura exploded upwards in a grand spray of fine grains which hit the ceiling. The sand then swirled around the boy again, but this time much closer to his body and in a more concentrated form.

Gaara resumed his dramatic panting, "finally, mother. We have achieved our new form."

" **I'm proud of you, my boy. I knew you could do it."**

The two of them had been exploring the wild internets for inspiration on love and peace.

Gaara gazed at his dashing good looks with the calculating eyes of a conqueror.

"Now, with my aura of affection and righteousness, none shall resist the period of the harmony I'll wreak upon the world."

" **Yeah, but only make the cool psychos with tragic backstories your best buddies. Otherwise, there's just no style to it."**

Amendment. Love and peace, with a touch of crazy.

* * *

**_The First act of Gaara the Peacekeeper: The Sibling Squish_ **

Gaara exited the bathroom and came upon a most disheartening sight.

"Get out of the way, Kankuro! I need to use the bathroom!"

"I'm doing this for your own good, sis. You don't want to know what's in there."

Kankuro and Temari were arguing, with Kankuro warding off the path to the bathroom with his puppet.

Gaara looked at his brother with shocked eyes. He never knew that Kankuro respected his bathroom time so much. All these years... and he'd never known. How many more such things must he have done for him? Without him knowing?

And now... he was getting into trouble with Temari for him. Gaara decided, Kankuro was truly a bro's bro.

And so he'd resolve this argument in a jiffy.

For his brother.

"Sand style..." Gaara whispered, and reached out with clawed hands.

Temari and Kankuro's eyes widened and their heads whipped to their little brother.

"Gaara! Don't-"

Gaara unleashed his technique.

"Sand Hugsies!"

Gaara's sand catapulted him at his siblings and he slammed into both of them, glomping them as they hit the floor.

Temari and Kankuro were frozen solid with fear under his hug.

"The three of us are family. So don't fight. It breaks my heart to see you two at odds," said Gaara.

"Yes, Gaara."

"...you have a heart?"

"Temari!"

"I mean yes, Gaara."

Gaara sat up, gave them a smile, stood up and jogged out of the hotel room without another word.

The room was silent for a second before Kankuro said, "I think you hurt his feelings, sis."

"... shit."

"Nice knowing you, sis."

"... not if I tell him how you were beating his chest yesterday."

"You  _wouldn't!"_

The door to the hotel room slammed open and the fan bearing kunoichi ran out, yelling after her youngest brother. "Gaara! You won't believe what Kankuro did yesterday!"

"You bitch! Get back here! She's lying, Gaara! Don't listen to that she-devil!"

The rest of the day, Gaara watched bewildered, as his siblings squabbled with each other over having his attention.

Temari bought him noodles, Kankuro did tricks with his puppets, then Temari tripped Kankuro up with her fan, and then Kankuro threw mud at her, which she blew back at him with her fan.

Temari and Kankuro soon forgot the reason why they'd run after their brother. They were more busy explaining to him that randomly hugging angry people in the streets and preaching at them was a bad idea.

Gaara was simply having a lot of fun. He smiled throughout their lectures.

* * *

**_Second Act of Gaara the Peacekeeper: International Love_ **

**_In the final stages of Tenten and Temari's match_ **

Gaara's eyes widened as he saw the leaf genin's trajectory right onto the blunt end of Temari's folded fan.

He'd been containing himself throughout the entire match, seeing the way his sister mocked the weapons specialist. But no more. He would not bear witness to a girl being bullied.

Gaara sand flickered.

"Sand style: Heroic last minute rescue!"

Gaara slammed onto the ground on his knees with Tenten in his arms, bridal style. The girl blinked up at him. "Wha?"

Gaara smiled at her, "I hope you are not hurt. I apologize for my sister. Want to be friends?"

Tenten blinked up at him once again.

A boisterous laugh startled the girl and she hugged Gaara out of fright. A man in a green jumpsuit had landed beside them and was laughing with his hands on his hips.

"My, my! Watching the springtime of youth blossom before me fires up my spirit!" The man laughed once again, Tenten leaned further into Gaara, wincing at the volume of the man's laugh.

The man addressed Gaara with a smile. "What do you say we meet after the matches and train our muscles together, young man. I'm sure young Tenten would love to come as well."

Gaara consulted Shukaku.  _"Mother, what do I do? I can't stand this strange creature. It looks like a human, but I can't see behind its incredible shine."_

" _ **Accept! Accept! The girl might show up. And, boy."**_

" _Yes?"_

" _ **Use the secret technique we came up with yesterday! She'll definitely be your friend!"**_

Gaara nodded at the man. "I accept your invitation."

The man laughed, and gave him a blinding grin. "Splendid! But onto more serious matters." The man turned to the proctor. "So, what do you say Gekkō-san? Who won the match?"

Hayate coughed and cleared his throat. "The Suna genin interfered on the behalf of your student. So your student is disqualified." He looked at Gaara, "don't do that again."

Gaara shrugged.

The green man laughed boisterously again, "just as well! Just as well!"

The sandman then stood up and set Tenten on her feet. The girl stared and kicked at the ground before she looked up. "T-Thanks, I guess. That would have really hurt."

Gaara's eyes flashed and he unleashed his secret technique. He snatched Tenten's hand.

The proctor and the green man's eyes widened in alarm.

"Sand style: Sabaku Chuu~"

He placed a delicate kiss on the back of her fingers. He smiled, "I shall pine away till we meet again, my desert flower."

Tenten withdrew her hand, stared at it, stared at Gaara's smile and became red in the face. "I-It won't be that long," she said and gulped. She gave him a hesitant smile, "see you later?"

The green man laughed boisterously yet again. "Young love! Young love!"

Tenten buried her face in her hands and trudged away to her team, ignoring the green man following her and giving out more statements about youth.

Gaara checked that operation off as a success.

" _ **You were supposed to kiss her cheek!"**_

" _Seemed too forward..."_

Meanwhile, back at the stands. Kankuro looked at Temari as she walked up to him. "Since when did you become Gaara's wingwoman," he asked her.

Temari grouched, "I didn't."

* * *

**_The Third Act of Gaara the Peacekeeper: International Love pt. 2_ **

**_In the final stages of Hinata and Neji's match_ **

Gaara's eyes widened as he saw the boy ruthlessly strike the Hyuuga girl with his chakra pokes.

He'd been containing himself throughout the entire match, seeing the way the boy mocked the main family Hyuuga girl. But no more. He would not bear witness to a girl being bullied.

Gaara sand flickered.

"Sand style: Heroic last minute rescue!"

Gaara slammed onto the ground on his knees with Hinata in his arms, bridal style. The girl blinked up at him. "Huh?"

Neji was in a groove and was still poking away at the wall of sand Gaara had raised to protect himself during his epic rescue.

Gaara smiled at the girl, "I hope you are not hurt. I apologize for your fellow Hyuuga. Want to be friends?"

Hinata blinked up at him once again and tilted her head, confused.

A boisterous laugh startled the girl and she hugged Gaara out of fright. A man in a green jumpsuit had landed beside them and was laughing with his hands on his hips.

"My, my! Watching the springtime of youth blossom before me fires up my spirit! Again!" The man laughed once again, Hinata winced and blocked her

ears with her hands.

The man addressed Gaara with a smile. "I must thank you, young man, for preventing my young student from doing something incredibly rash and stupid."

The man looked at Neji, who was now scowling at them, with a sigh. "I hope you don't mind young Neji joining our training session. He's got this new training regiment I've devised  _especially_  for him." Neji's mouth fell and he paled.

Gaara consulted Shukaku.  _"Mother, what do I do? The strange creature showed up again for some reason. I think my eyes are getting used to its shine though. I can make out traces of green."_

" _ **Accept! Accept! The boy's got all the right qualities to become your best buddy. Oh, just look at his glower! It just screams tragic backstory! And, boy."**_

" _Yeah?"_

" _ **Use the secret technique on the girl! And this time do it right!"**_

Gaara nodded at the man. "I don't mind, young Neji can come."

The man laughed, and gave him a blinding grin. "Splendid! But onto more serious matters." The man turned to the proctor. "So, what do you say Gekkō-san? Who won the match?"

Hayate coughed and cleared his throat. "The Suna genin interfered on behalf of the girl. So she is disqualified." He looked at Gaara, "don't do that again, kid. Seriously."

Gaara shrugged.

The green man laughed boisterously again, "just as well! Just as well!" He smiled at Hinata, "a most wonderful performance from you Hyuuga-san."

The green man then walked over to Neji and they started their way back to the stands. Tenten was biting into a kunai and looking at Gaara and Hinata with a glare. Lee cautiously backed away from her when she started growling.

The sandman then stood up and set Hinata on her feet. The girl stared at her feet, twiddled her fingers, and slowly looked up at Gaara. "T-T-Thank you f-for that. I did not w-want to fight my cousin." She gave him a small smile. "M-May I know your name?"

Gaara nodded. "My name is Sabaku no Gaara. But you may call me Gaara."

Hinata gave him a full smile. "Thank you, Gaara-san."

Gaara's eyes flashed and he unleashed his secret technique. He snatched Hinata's hand.

The proctor face-palmed.

"Sand style: Sabaku Ch-"

" **Oh no you don't you fatass!"**

An orange blur slammed into him and Gaara flew into the air.

Gaara threw a tendril towards the floor and once it buried itself in, he slid down it like a pole. When he got down he saw a blond haired genin wearing an orange jumpsuit looking at him with wide eyes while holding onto Hinata's hand.

The girl had already fainted at some point and was red in the face. The only reason she'd hadn't fallen over was because the blond was supporting her.

Gaara folded his hands and stared down the blond. He was in the way of his peacekeeping.

" _ **Uh, boy. You might want to sit this one out. Looks like a classic 'I don't know why I moved. My body just reacted on it's own' scenario."**_

Gaara nodded in understanding. " _Of course. I wouldn't want to get in the way of true love."_

Gaara gave Naruto a thumbs-up. "I wish you all the best in your romantic endeavors, my friend. Take care of her."

He sand-flickered away.

Naruto blinked at him as he disappeared. He mentally yelled at his furry friend.

" _Mr. Fox, what did you do?!"_

" _ **Ah, shut up, kid. You'll thank me later."**_

Meanwhile, back at the stands. Tenten was happily hugging Lee and twirling him in circles, Gai was laughing about youth and Neji was sulking in a corner. "What's so special about sand anyway?" he muttered.

* * *

**_The Fourth Act of Gaara the Peacekeeper: International Love pt. 3_ **

**_In the final stages of Gaara and Lee's match_ **

Gaara's eyes widened as the Leaf genin bounced him in the air like a rag doll.

He'd been containing himself throughout the entire match, seeing the way the boy completely surpassed him in the coolness factor. But no more. He would not bear witness to himself being out-badassed.

"Hidden Lotus!" the boy screamed, his fist sailed towards Gaara at breakneck speeds even as his muscles tore.

Gaara sand flickered.

"Sand style: Bailing out when you have to!"

Gaara slammed onto the ground on his knees with Lee in his arms, bridal style. The confused boy gaped up at him and sputtered, "bu-but I had you!"

Gaara nodded, "I am a clone. The original is lying in that crater behind us."

Lee craned his neck and saw the original's battered body in the crater that'd formed in the arena. The original was glowering at the ceiling.

Gaara smiled at the boy, "I know we just met and this sounds crazy, but want to be friends?"

Lee was too busy massaging life back into his arms to listen to him.

A boisterous laugh startled the boy and he hugged Gaara out of fright. He then yelped in pain for aggravating his already taxed muscles.

A man in a green jumpsuit had landed beside them and was laughing with his hands on his hips.

"My, my! Young man, we really must stop meeting like this! I might actually regress in age if you keep firing up my spirit! And well  _done,_  Lee! Well done." The man laughed once again, and Lee beamed at the man.

The man addressed Gaara with a smile. "It seems fate has decreed that we be friends, young Suna genin. Thrice, you have helped my students and that is thrice that you have earned my friendship."

The man looked at Lee, who was now frantically taking notes despite the painful wince on his face. "I hope you don't mind Lee joining our training session. He will need all the help he can get to retrain his body after recovery." Lee's eyes were watering at the concern on display.

Gaara, or Gaara's clone, consulted Shukaku.  _"Mother, what do I do? The strange creature apparently likes me for some reason. That's nice of it. I want to be its friend too, mother. Maybe it will teach me the ways of its people."_

" _ **Accept! Accept! I want to see where this goes! And, boy."**_

" _Yes?"_

" _ **You know what to do."**_

Gaara nodded at the man. "I don't mind, Lee can come."

The man laughed, and gave him a blinding grin. "Splendid! But onto more serious matters." The man turned to the proctor. "So, what do you say Gekkō-san? Who won the match?"

Hayate coughed and cleared his throat. "The match is still on. The Suna genin can't disqualify himself for helping his opponent." He looked at Gaara, " _this_ you can do again, kid."

Gaara shrugged.

The green man laughed boisterously again, "just as well! Just as well!" The green man flickered away back to the stands.

The sandman then stood up and set Lee on his feet. The boy's face was full of wince as he struggled to maintain balance. He looked at Gaara with a pain laden grin. "Thank you for saving me from a nasty fall, Gaara-san! But I must continue our battle." Lee gave him a determined smile. "Please, allow me to test my mettle against yours."

Gaara nodded. "Of course, you may test it."

Lee grinned and stood erect in his stance, with one hand behind his back and the other in front of him. "Whenever you're ready, Gaara-san."

Gaara's eyes flashed and he unleashed his secret technique. He snatched Lee's hand.

The proctor rolled his eyes.

"Sand style: Sabaku Chuu~"

He placed a delicate kiss on the back of Lee's fingers. He smiled, "is it just me or is the arena hot all of a sudden?"

Lee snatched his hand back, he stared at Gaara with wide eyes. He hesitantly looked at the stands and saw Tenten directing a bright smile at him. While sharpening a sword against a whetting-stone in her hands. Neji was behind her and making frantic gestures at Lee.

Lee gulped and turned back to Gaara, "alas! It appears my injuries are too fatal! I'm afraid I must forfeit, Gaara-san."

The proctor chuckled, "smart kid. Winner is," he coughed once. "Winner is the Sand genin, Sabaku no Gaara."

Lee gave him a thumbs up. "Congratulations, Gaara-san!"

Gaara frowned, "but... I wanted to get up close and personal with yo-"

Lee laughed loudly. "Ahaha! I'm sorry, Gaara-san! But for my own safety I must prevent your voice from carrying to the stands! Till we meet again, my friend!" Lee gave him one final smile and started limping the way back to the stands.

" _ **Heh, who knew 'make love not war' was so effective."**_

" _Truly, the power of love is amazing, mother."_

Gaara nodded to himself at the profoundness of his actions.

The original was still glowering at the ceiling. Everyone had forgotten about him. A small hand of sand was patting his head comfortingly.

* * *

**_Gaara in his more private moments_ **

"I'm going be the king of the pirates!"

" **And I'm the legendary super bijuu of legend! Ahahaha, my pride! There's no way that low class clown Kakarama can exceed my power level!"**

"Am I an earth-bender, Mother?"

" **More like a sand-bender."**

"... can we bend lava?"

" **... guess where we're going after the chunin exams!"**

"Where?"

" **An active volcano!"**

"Mother, you're the best! Maybe we can go sledding with my brother and sister!"

" **I'm sure they'll love it. Lava and Love only differ by two letters after all."**

Outside the bathroom, Kankuro dutifully stood guard before the bathroom door. He would defend the sanctity of his brother's moments of insanity with his life if he had to. Especially, when he seemed to be leaning towards saving people rather than killing them.

Kankuro wiped a tear off his face and scowled. He was a man, why was he getting emotional damn it!

* * *

**_The Fifth Act of Gaara the Peacekeeper: Diss the Daimyo, Incognito_ **

When you have one boy and his bijuu wanting to spread love and peace but unfortunately deeply embroiled in the machinations of his home village, it is not entirely unexpected for them to take it to their head that they're the protagonists of a superspy-esque drama, wherein their actions would determine that fate of the world.

Or, at least in this case their village and the Leaf's. It had all the right ingredients for it too, a protagonist with a tragic past, a romantic interest from the enemy village, some background political drama, a kindred spirit and an inside man, and most of all, a personal stake- the safety of his siblings.

And as is common in most spy thrillers, information - or rather misinformation- is the name of the game.

So how do you get the daimyo of your home country to stop funding your rival village?

Well that's easy.

1\. Swipe a bingo book off your jonin-sensei.

2\. Take a few tasteful pictures of some high ranking ninjas using your excuse of being the Kazekage's son

3\. Create a few accounts on Chitter, the free social microblogging website.

4\. Post heavily on your most esteemed daimyo's account page.

5\. Use your inside man to spread the word.

Gaara smirked, he really should be made the Kazekage for concocting such brilliant plans. His father was an embarrassment really... wait... his father didn't have an account on Chitter now did he?

The boy laughed.

* * *

**_The Chitter page of his highness, the Daimyo of the Wind country_ **

TheThirdHokage: @KazeDaimyo, how goes it my boy? The missions you've directed our way are really lining my pockets let me tell you. Ho ho ho. Us rich folks, amiright?

TheThirdHokage: @KazeDaimyo, Say, I've been hearing these rumors about your wife and her adventures in Tanzaku-gai, now I don't mean to  _assume_  but you really must look into it my boy. Not good for a country's reputation that.

TheThirdHokage: @KazeDaimyo, Anyway, please send your daughter my best wishes. And do inquire when she will be visiting Konoha again, she is  _most_ welcome here. A  _splendid_ and  _delightful_ young woman she is. Ho ho ho. Us rich folks, amiright? *wink wink*

QuoteBot: It is a historically proven fact that all those who have assumed the mantle of the Wind Daimyo, are devastatingly stupid and genetically incapable of higher order thinking - TheSecondFireShadow

SnakeMistress: So like, why do we take missions here again? I swear the whole family is full of degenerates. And the pay is shit! Revolution! Down with the ruling class!

MadamIllusion: Go home Anko, you're drunk again.

SnakeMistress: Yeah shaddup...

Scarecrow: Ah, my sensei, The Fourth Hokage, always said that there was something wrong with the wind daimyo ever since he was a child. Apparently he was dropped on the head as a baby.

QuoteBot: The Wind Daimyo once ogled my wife. I wanted to hiraishin him - TheForthHokage.

TheGreyUchiha: Ah, yes. I did seen that daimyo child. Has he come off of diapers yet?

TheSandman: @TheGreyUchiha, who is this?

SchizoGamerz: @KazeDaimyo, Holy shit Daimyo-sama. This is outrageous! How can a village, especially one you shower with such love, speak of you like this. I don't know about you Daimyo-sama but I'm deeply upset.

KazeDaimyo: @SchizoGamerz, thank you for bringing this to my attention... Appropriate action will indeed be taken...

KazeDaimyo: @SandVillage, congratulations. You got a client back. Now come here and take these missions. @Kazekage, you were right, the Leaf  _is_  full of thankless reprobates.

LeafElders: @SandElders, good luck with the bed wetter. He's gonna need all the help he's gonna get.

KazeDaimyo: Inconceivable... this amount of disrespect...

Kyuubi9Kitsune: If I ever step a foot in wind country. Let it be upon the porch of the Wind daimyo.

TheBadassUchiha: @TheLeafsRoot, Konoha has gone to the dogs.

InuzukaMatriarch: @TheBadassUchiha, you tryin to start something, boy?

TheLastUchiha: Itachi! Come face me you coward!

TheBadassUchiha: @TheLastUchiha, you lack hatred.

TheBadassUchiha: @InuzukaMatriarch, I apologize. I am not fond of fleas.

BugMan: @TheBadassUchiha, Uchiha-san, I'd be wary of the next hotel I sleep in. Who knows what might be infesting their beds...

TheBadassUchiha: @TheLastUchiha, brother, we need to talk. I have to tell you something important, something no one will ever tell you.

TheLeafsRoot: @TheBadassUchiha, Tread lightly missing-nin. Tread lightly.

TheLastUchiha: what?

TheBadassUchiha: @TheLastUchiha, it's about time someone told you about the birds and the bees. When a man and woman like each other very very much they [deleted] and then they proceed to [deleted] followed by [deleted] and if they are feeling really adventurous they [deleted] [deleted] [deleted] with [deleted].

NannyBot: @TheBadassUchiha, I'm sorry we had to clean up a few naughty words from your post. Not all users are adults you know :). Thank you for understanding.

TheBadassUchiha: sigh, I'll send you an email Sasuke.

TheLastUchiha: ... why must you torture me.

TheBadassUchiha: I told you, you lack hatred.

TheLastUchiha: Itachiiiiiiii! I'll kill you!

TheGreyUchiha: It does me proud to see the youngins keeping our traditions alive. Good boys.

TheGoodBoy: @TheGreyUchiha, the hell?! How're you posting this! You're supposed to be dead!

TheGreyUchiha: @TheGoodBoy, I'm full of tricks, boy. Now get off the internet and get to work! Damn kid... hasn't anyone heard of shadow clones?

TheGoodBoy: sob sob...

SchizoGamerz: ... wow, we're waaay off topic.

KazeDaimyo: @all, STOP POLLUTING MY PROFILE PAGE!

And there was peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Ah, well what can I say. I had a brain fart...
> 
> Anyway!
> 
> Really hope you liked it, and I hope I didn't ruin the drama of the previous chapter.
> 
> Even though I most probably did, ahahaha.
> 
> Have a great day folks!
> 
> Ciao~


	4. Resurrections are to die for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Doki Doki Literature Club or Naruto

* * *

**Author's Note: Every author loves manipulating the emotions of their reader. Even me. So always remember folks. What you read is _JUST_ a story. A grain of salt proves handy, especially if a piece is opinionated. Best policy? Question everything you read. **

**Without further ado, please enjoy.**

* * *

 

Yakushi Kabuto, the right hand of the snake. The most slippery of men on the elemental nations barring his master. The most meticulous man when it came to finding out his enemy's weaknesses. And one nasty enough to exploit them to their fullest. Every flaw, every hole, even a tiny crack would be analyzed, prodded, cut open, examined and documented in extreme detail.

In battle, he expends the least amount of effort required by exploiting all of his opponent's shortcomings and plunging his scalpel deep into their insecurities.

And then he'd restitch them so that he could do it again. It didn't do him any good to let people grow. Festering wounds, debilitating mental scars, crippling traumas, arm-twisting blackmail, these were all the tools that Kabuto took care to nurture in his every victim.

The medic was a psychological torturer rather than muscled brawler. Thoughts, anthropology, logical reasoning, arguing, conspiracies, social theory, information, and espionage were his bread and butter.

So when he'd found out that the culprit behind the invasion being canceled was the Suna jinchuriki, he'd been thrown off. When he found out that the jinchuriki was spreading sunshine and rainbows, he'd been bewildered. And when the jinchuriki had declared his intention of protecting mankind, Kabuto began fearing for his life.

He'd been the one to provide his master with the jinchuriki's psyche profile. A profile which was the very reason his master had decided to use Suna for his revenge. And also bothered to kill the Kazekage, subtly manipulate the village and stroke its flames of resentment towards the Leaf.

His master had broken his jaw the moment he'd found out about the jinchuriki's change in disposition. With a hissed command to investigate the matter the snake sannin had departed to find another village which had been wronged by the Leaf. Which wasn't very difficult because Danzo.

The sannin had later promised Kabuto via a summon that he'd become a snake's dinner if the investigation wasn't satisfactory.

This provided Kabuto enough motivation to drop all his hobbies, which included knitting, sewing, constructing and deconstructing a human body, for the moment and run for the sand siblings' hotel.

And while he was spying on the trio eating their lunch, a hand tapped him from behind.

"Aaaah!" He emitted a very unstealthy shriek.

Baki gave him a unimpressed stare. "To what do we owe the pleasure, Yakushi-san? I believed the cancel of the invasion meant the end of our meetings?"

Kabuto quickly pushed his glasses back with his finger to regain his composure. "My master wou-"

"Would like to find out why Gaara changed?"

Kabuto tried not to frown. He nodded.

"He'd been gifted a device by a Leaf genin. A tablet I believe. Now if you're satisfied I think it's best if we go our separate ways."

Kabuto's mind was at work. A device. A tablet. Which meant software. Probably. And a Leaf genin huh? Was it a digitally activated genjutsu which affected the jinchuriki? They were known to be highly susceptible to illusions after all. So, did the Leaf know about their plot? Or was this just a prank gone wrong?

The answer to that question was the difference between his master's months worth of labor being fruitful or fruitless. And maybe a retaliation by whatever allies he'd manage to procure. Nobody liked to be invited to a party only to have it canceled after you'd bought the soda. And ninjas only bought sake.

Kabuto came to a painful conclusion.

He'd have to study the software. He was a bit rusty there.

In any case he'd have to acquire it first.

Kabuto began. "The device, would yo-"

"Gaara doesn't have it anymore," Kabuto scowled at the interruption, "you'll find it with the Leaf genin. Wears an orange jacket with a spiral on the shoulder, hard to miss."

The spy's eyes narrowed. Orange jacket and a spiral, eh? That could only mean Uzumaki Naruto. First the Sand jinchuriki, and now the Leaf jinchuriki. This better not be a trend.

The Sound ninja poofed away in a cloud of smoke.

Baki shook his head. Not even a thanks for the information.

"Was it him Baki? Did he come to see you again," said a raspy voice from the roof.

Baki looked up and saw Gaara's inquisitive eyes boring into him. The redhead's fingers were idly tapping the roof tiles, which meant that he was hanging on the edge of his seat.

Gaara had come upon him and the Sound ninja exchanging information one night, and had become convinced that he was intruding on a date, where they were discussing 'plans' for an 'engagement'. And were whispering under the cover of the dark, so that their villages didn't find out about their forbidden love.

The jinchuriki even picked off a Leaf jonin who was sneaking around the corner and dropped him off elsewhere.

The sand jonin decided to take one for his village and keep the jinchuriki's jolly mania well fed.

"Yes, Gaara," he said with a solemn face. "He was quite upset when I informed him that we had to stop our moonlight trysts. He's still trying to cope but he wanted to see me one final time."

Gaara's eyes widened and he jumped in front of Baki. "Is he going to kill himself?! Baki! We must stop him!"

Baki rolled his eyes. And that said something, being able to roll his eyes before a jinchuriki who until a while ago had a terrible track record of not killing his fellow ninja. The Leaf genin had really changed him.

"Oh, don't worry Gaara," said Baki, recalling the few dramas he'd seen in his life, "I believe in him. Even though we're going to be apart, even if we might never see each other again, even if we're forced into a situation where we're ordered to kill the other... our feelings for each other, they can't be wiped out be something as small as the cruel fates or destiny. Our love is much stronger than that."

Baki put a hand on Gaara's shoulder and gave him an emotional smile, while holding back crocodile tears, "in the mean time, I've got you and your siblings, haven't I?"

Gaara quickly rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and beamed at Baki. "Yes, Baki. You'll always have us. Now come on let's go inside. Maybe Temari will make us some hot chocolate. And what's that sweet you liked again? Kankuro can go get us some."

Despite faking his emotions as he was lead inside, Baki was truly touched when the little rascals sat him down and made sure he was comfortable for the rest of the evening, giving him his favorite food and watching shitty movies with him till they fell asleep on each other in a big pile before the sofa.

Baki looked their snoring faces and realized something.

He owed the Leaf genin. Big time.

* * *

Kabuto stood outside Naruto's apartment, contemplating. There was no way he'd be able to infiltrate the jinchuriki's flat if the ANBU was keeping watch. And heaven's help him if he managed to attract Root's attention.

The spy stared at the apartment and it's surroundings. Contrary to what he'd previously believed, Naruto actually lived in a civilian district. The street was lined with residential plots, with a mixture of both apartments and two storied private dwellings. Two shops housing vegetables, and fruits could be seen at the corner of the street, with two middle aged women at their counters, either smiling at their customers or glaring at each other otherwise.

A man bearing cans of milk on the side of his cycle rode across him, not noticing Kabuto help himself to a cup of the white secretion. A trail of the liquid dirtied the ground from the hole the spy had made, while he added a pinch of some coffee powder from his pouch and sipped his cup, thinking how he could get the tablet away from Naruto without giving away anything.

The window of a flat opened and Kabuto quickly hid behind an electric pole, noticing that it was the blond genin who'd popped his head out. Curious blue eyes swept across the street, seemingly looking for something. The spy's fingers started blurring through hand seals to cast genjutsu but stopped midway when he realized that it might attract other ninjas.

"Oi!" The jinchuriki shouted, and Kabuto cursed the architect of the electric board for building a solitary electric pole a noticeable distance away from the wall beside it. He wouldn't be able to change cover without being spotted. That man should be ashamed for being an architect in a ninja village, shouldn't he be catering to a ninja's needs?

"Hinata-chan! I know you're behind that pole! I already told you you can come over! No need to be shy!" shouted Naruto. "And it's not polite to spy on me just because I bought all the ramen cups! You can have my noodles! Kurama said it's nice to share my noodles with my friends!"

Kabuto didn't know who this Kurama was, but he sounded like someone who'd get a kick out of poorly constructed innuendo. And making a kid say it no less. How despicable... Orochimaru-sama had done it better. Snake was a better allusion than noodle.

" _Tell me Kabuto," said his master, sitting before his desk with gleaming eyes while his minions stood against the walls around him, "would you care to see my prized sn-"_

Kabuto repressed the memory. It had been his first day on the job and everyone had made fun of him. He still remembered their faces, pinched with suppressed laughter, when he'd eagerly nodded and said that he'd be honored to behold the snake sannin's legendary snake. That he'd be even more honored if he could get the chance to ri-

Kabuto repressed that memory as well. But their hysterical laughter still managed to slip through a crack and echo in his head. He'd been reduced to looking at the floor for _weeks_ out of embarrassment. The Sound ninjas called it, breaking in the newbie. It was immature as far as Kabuto was concerned.

"-just Hinata-chan you see. She gave me this kickass salve after my match. Soothed my burns in a second! You guys will _love_ her!"

The blond's voice was headed towards him. The spy decided that he might as well just _ask_ the blond about the software. Maybe he could hack his way to the blond's device and then examine the particular program... if such a thing was possible. He'll have to crack open his books again.

"-and heeeere's Hinata-cha- wait you're not Hinata-chan. Sorry girls wrong person," said the boy's embarrassed voice.

Kabuto stared at four girls wearing uniforms and smiles on a tablet's screen. His brow rose involuntarily. Had... had the boy been talking to to _pictures._

 _..._ wow _._

"Hey you're the guy who forfeit right? I made it to the finals! So thanks for the assist in the forest!" The boy grinned at him. He then flipped the tablet to himself, "remember the glasses guy I told you about? It's him! I think his name is Kabuto."

In some deep dark corner of his mind, Kabuto felt sorry for the kid. The kind of loneliness that'd force him to seek friendship from frozen pictures, sculpted to get such a response from their beholders that real women became _their_ caricatures instead of the other way around. Oh how the media gets into the vulnerable defenses of the reptilian brain. An engineered exploitation ensuring maximum enjoyment of repeated and transfixed attention. In other words, money makes the world go round.

"So what's up?" said Naruto.

Kabuto pushed his glasses and smiled. "Ah, Naruto-kun. I heard that you had something interesting in your tablet. Could I have a look, if you don't mind?" The spy thought, what the hell. Might as well be direct. "You'll have forgive my sneaking though. I was hesitant to broach the subject you see," he said, covering his bases with a well meaning laugh.

Naruto's eyes immediately dimmed and his smile lost a hundred watts. He glanced at his screen and back up again. "Well... I guess I can't be selfish, huh? I did lend it to Gaara." Naruto held out the device with a despondent face, as if he didn't want to part with it at all. "Just don't delete my save file... oh wait that's not possible. Never mind."

Kabuto couldn't believe his luck. Better push it. "You're giving it to me? Naruto-kun... I'm flattered that you trust me so much. But whatever it is, I might take a month to explore it," he'd need time to analyze it, "the hospital leaves me little time to myself."

"A month?! That's like, like till the finals!" said Naruto. "I don't wann-" The boy's eyes glazed over. "But _dad,_ it'll be not seeing them for a month!"

Kabuto waved his hand in front of the blond's eyes. No response. "What do you mean sharing? This ain't noodles! They're not things!"

The medic looked at his watch and wondered how long jinchuriki manias lasted. "Okay, fine! I'll show you who's going to be a selfish Hokage, old man!"

Naruto's eyes refocused and he pushed his device into Kabuto's hands. He growled and gruffly said, "take it. But be careful okay! Promise me you'll give it back unharmed. And you better treat them right! Make sure it's always charged, I don't like keeping them in the dark. Don't use it while eating. Always listen to what they're saying-"

Kabuto felt like he was being lectured by his date's father before he took her out for the night.

The blond's hand struck out like lightning and he pulled Kabuto down by his collar. He glared red eyes onto the spy's face. His canines protruded out of his mouth.

"And if anything happens them, you better bel **ieve I'll** _ **break**_ **your neck**."

... correction. Cautious ex-boyfriend who's still friends with the girl and is meeting the new guy. That's what this was.

Kabuto put on a relaxed smile and patted the overprotective jinchuriki on the shoulder. "Now come on, Naruto-kun. I'm a _medic!_ Harming someone is the furthest thing from my mind. Have some trust in me will you." Waves of reassurance scattered from the spy's disarming face and broke down the jinchuriki's skepticism.

The Sound ninja stood up straight with the tablet now secure in his hand and adjusted his collar as the blond let go. Kabuto fished around in his pouch and placed some notes on Naruto's head. He chuckled when the blond felt for them and looked at him with a confused face after seeing what they were.

"My gift for advancing to the finals, Naruto-kun. Buy yourself your favorite dish, okay?" That should appease him till he disappeared. "Be sure to win now, I'll be rooting for you." The boy was far too interesting to be defeated at this stage. That, and he kinda grew on you.

The spy held out a fist and grinned.

Naruto stared at the fist and his frown slowly morphed into a grin as well.

"Hell yeah!"

They fist bumped against the sunset, the malicious glint in the spy's eyes hid under the reflection of his glasses. A reflection assisted in part by the enthusiasm the blond shone off of his every pore.

As a rule, it doesn't pay to be too trusting as a ninja. Even if the trusted was your fellow village ninja.

But this time was an exception.

* * *

Many things happened in Orochimaru's labs. Things got misplaced all the time. Who really had the time to search for the experiment's eyeball that'd gained sentience and hopped off, when there was delicious sushi for dinner? It's a no-brainer really. Even the screaming patients paused to chew the meat on rice combo as the researchers plopped the dish into their agonized yawning jaws.

Everyone had their priorities.

So it was perfectly understandable that Kabuto's assistant misunderstood his instructions. When asked to read the medic-nin's illegible doctor scrawl on a piece of paper and mix the ingredients for the Otokage's ultimate technique, which had been in the works for quite a while, it was universally and causally compliant that a certain tablet had been crushed to a fine powder and mixed in with certain other powder and locked into two coffins.

After all 'tablet' _does_ have synonyms which are easy to confuse.

It was also absolutely logically sound that the said assistant was beaten to a pulp and given free residence in one of the two coffins for his efforts. Kabuto despaired the loss of his month's worth of hacking, research and documentation which he'd been storing in the late tablet, which now lay mixed with who knew what composed a sacrifice to the pure world.

Two black plastic bags which were lazily labeled 'Kage' with a marker pen in some unnoticeable corner were later discarded in the trash. They were taking up space on the table.

It was lobster night. And everyone had their priorities.

Not that they were straight.

* * *

The village was in utter chaos. Explosions rocked the street. Civilians poured onto the roads like a herd of agitated wildebeests, trampling down those unfortunate enough to lose their footing.

All through the village, ninja fought each other. Blades struck and sparked, fireballs and ash bombs blasted the walls, illusions entranced while knives slit, giant beasts of water and earth sprung from the elements and rushed at each other to settle unknown feuds. It was a wholesale murder and massacre by the human spirit. Whose flames were fanned by the ninja creed.

To endure.

Faiths and oaths, beliefs and hopes, all meant to inspire love and compassion at home, make an ugly face and snarl when there's a stranger at your door. Or when you make your door in the stranger's home. Uninvited.

"Can you hear that, sensei?" A man with a pale complexion asked. His eyes were closed as he listened to the sounds from the village with a serene smile. His skin's texture had a sheen, suggesting maybe that no matter what you did, you could never get anything to stick on it, least of all your grasp.

It would shake and slither out of your grip. The man bent his body to the side, and the flurry of shuriken seemed to touch his skin and _slip_ off. The man opened his eyes. And hissed in delight.

Like a snake.

"It's the sound I always heard. When walking to the training grounds, when buying my equipment, when heading to your office, and when leaving for a mission. I've always been able to hear it," the snake jumped back and avoided a stream of kunai that embedded themselves in the roof he was standing on.

The snake chuckled and continued, ignoring the rising killing intent. "But no one else seemed to be able to. Can you hear it now, sensei? Can you hear the leaves wrinkle? Can you hear the crack as they burn? Can you hear the roots shrivel and _wither?"_

A gigantic staff slammed into the grinning man, but he contorted around it and slithered all the way to the other end of the barrier.

"Orochimaru," said the staff's wielder. The staff shrunk back to it's normal size and rest in the hands of a wizened ninja, who wore headgear with downwards protruding steel plates and a suit of total black.

"Sarutobi-sensei," nodded the snake sannin with a wistful look, "I'd say it's good to see you. But my heart just wouldn't be in it. Tell me, how is old age treating you?" Orochimaru licked his lips with his forked tongue and eyed his teacher with a carefree look which disguised the utmost caution he'd ever exercised in a decade.

If you underestimated The Professor, he'd teach you a lesson you'd never get to forget. Because corpses had no use for memory.

"I may have weaker bones now but it doesn't mean I can't handle your insurrection," said Sarutobi without a hint of worry on his brow. "Remember who taught you all you know. And know that I know what you don't know, my errant student."

Orochimaru clapped, "and the senility presents itself! Really sensei, there exists this thing called learning." The snake flicked his wrist and three kunai rest between his fingers. "Let me demonstrate."

The roof exploded and snakes burst from the broken tiles, all rushing towards the calm Hokage. The old war veteran shook his head.

"You have a flair for the dramatic." Sarutobi took a deep breath and spat down a stream of concentrated flame which burst upon hitting the floor. The snakes burned in agonized hisses while the explosion propelled the Hokage into the air.

"You favor pursuit under the cover of chaos." Sarutobi looked dispassionately at the multiheaded snake which had risen along with him. It's many heads spread out under him and were fast closing in on him from all directions while he was suspended.

"You have no regard for simplicity." Sarutobi detonated a flash bomb in his hand. Each snake head died in the bright darkness. A thud rang for every head that died. They disguised his subtle labored breathing.

The Hokage landed on his feet and narrowed his eyes at his student, who stood behind two coffins which stood upright. "And you always manage to amaze me at the new lows you can sink to," said Sarutobi, a thin layer of sweat forming on his forehead.

"Now that we've covered _my_ failings. Why don't we hear yours," said Orochimaru. "Would your predecessors be impressed?"

The Hokage's eyes slowly rose. The snake didn't give him time to process his thoughts and finished his jutsu.

The lids of the coffins slackened and fell forward on the floor. Sarutobi tensed and braced himself for who would walk out of the dark insides of the boxes. Things had just gone from bad to worse.

The Hokage... no, the Third Hokage had a solemn face. Even in death his teachers got no respite. Fighting and fighting and fighting, battle after battle after battle. The two men's entire lives were defined by war and death. And now they'd been brought back, to define even their afterlife with war and death.

Sarutobi spoke, his voice full of sorrow and regret. "Lords Hokage, I'm sorry it came to th-"

"Hwaaa! It's so bright! I don't wanna get up yet!"

"-is..." The Professor scrunched his forehead. Was he going senile? That sounded like a young woman's voice.

"Get _out_ okay! Your stupid bow's in my freaking mouth!"

The Professor's eyes widened. Genjutsu! He should have known! It was one of the Second's favorite tricks, confuse the enemy with bizarre scenarios and slit their throats in the madness.

"Kai!" The Hokage yelled, his chakra surged and pulsed around him. He looked into the darkness of the coffins with a confident gaze. There, that should do-

"C-Could you move? This is very uncomfortable."

-it... Or was this the First crossdressing again? He'd often done so to annoy Lady Mito. The voice change was new though. A new eccentricity he'd picked up in the afterlife?

"Uhh... What's my name? Who am I? ...Oh no. Oh man. Ahhhh! Who _am_ I?! Somebody please give me a name! Oh dear god! I'm nothing without my name!"

Sarutobi frowned. Now it sounded like a young man panicking over something. The Hokage peered around the coffins and saw Orochimaru staring at a notepad and scratching his head. "... did... right. Composition mix... impure... binding... kill Kabuto..." he heard his student mutter.

"Get the hell away from me you puppet!"

"Wah!"

A thud echoed from one of the coffins and a young man came flying out and landed on his face before the Hokage's feet. Sarutobi observed the lack of any defining feature on the moaning boy's face. It looked like the most ordinary face he'd ever seen in the elemental nations.

The boy looked up and gave the Hokage a pleading look. "Please sir, give me a name... I'm nothing without my name." He sobbed pathetically on the ground. The Hokage's grandfatherly instincts kicked in and he knelt down and patted the boy.

"There, there," he said. What name to give him though? Sarutobi's eyes darted around for some inspiration. He settled on the first thing he saw in his haste to appease the boy. "How about Kunai?"

The boy suddenly brightened and sat up with a cheer. "Kunai! I love that name!" He beamed at the Kage. He turned back and yelled at the coffins. "Hey Sayori! My name's Kunai! And come out! I bet there's a spider in there!"

"Spider?!" The voice in the coffin screamed and jumped out with a terrified face. Sarutobi saw a girl with short hair, whose color looked like a mix between pink and light brown, emerge dragging two other girls with her.

One of them was tall, had long violet hair and a timid but annoyed face, and the other was short, had pink hair and an angry, thoroughly annoyed face. The two of them were being dragged by the girl with a bow on her head. They were going in circles.

Thanks to the boy who'd raised the possibility of the spider residing on Sayori's shoulder. Sarutobi frowned. Kunai seemed to have a pranking streak in him.

He bopped him on the head and shook his head in disappointment when Kunai looked up. "You shouldn't lie to your friends, young man. Not when it causes them suffering."

"...okay," said Kunai, looking chastised. He slowly stood up and walked over to the circling girl and stopped her, placing his arms on her shoulders.

"Getitoff! Getitoff! Getitoff!" yelled Sayori, jumping in place. The other two had collapsed on the ground, they groaned as their heads swam with dizziness.

"There's no spider," Kunai said, solemnly shaking his head.

"Getito... Why do you do this to me?!" She grabbed Kunai by his collar and began shaking him back and forth. "You know I hate spiders! You're just as bad as Naruto!" she said with an angry pout while still shaking him.

Sarutobi's ears perked up at the jinchuriki's mention. Were they the boy's friends? Wait... Naruto's friends died?

"Alright enough of this." Orochimaru threw his notepad away and formed a seal. All the four children went rigid. "Zombies are zombies I suppose. Kill the old man. Now."

Sarutobi settled into his stance again. The children's bodies were shaking with tremors as they obeyed their summoner's bidding. The walked closer towards the Kage.

"Let them go. This is between us," said Sarutobi as the snake threw weapons to each of the four. The tall one caught a knife, the pink one got a sledgehammer, the one with a bow snatched the axe, and a sword hit the boy on the face and he tumbled to the floor with a squawk.

"...nice," said Sayori before she leaned down and picked Kunai up. The boy got up with an embarrassed smile and took the fallen sword the girl offered him. And the second the girl left it in his hands-

"Aaah!"

-the boy fell down on his back, unable to bear its weight. The girls gave a collective sigh.

Sarutobi felt sorry for the poor lad. The judging looks the girls were giving him could cut deep into any young man. But one thing seemed obvious.

Kunai wasn't cut out for the ninja life.

"I-I was just kidding! My hand slipped that's all!" said the boy buried under his sword. His efforts to lift it off himself looked like a major constipation episode.

"Enough!" Orochimaru yelled, and the girls stiffened again. His brow was twisted with irritation. "Kill the old man! You will do as I say!"

A giggle came out of the coffins. Sarutobi frowned. Another one?

"Oh don't be daft, garden snake. They'll only do as _I_ say." said a cheerful voice.

A girl with brown hair tied with a white ribbon skipped out of the box. She looked at her surrounding with excited eyes, taking in every detail with a famished hunger. She grinned at the other girls.

"Hey gang! Wrote your poem for today?"

"W-We can't move, Monika." moaned Yuri.

"The hell?" yelled Natsuki.

"I did! But then I woke up... ehehehe." Sayori laughed sheepishly.

"I selected a bunch of words!" Kunai declared proudly. "I checked my pockets though, the poem didn't show up. I really wanted to read it too..."

Monika scowled at the boy and then clapped her hands. "Okay! Since we all seem to be busy today let's skip the recitation. The theme for tomorrow's poems will be," the girl closed her eyes and hugged herself with a blissful smile.

" _Reality."_

And all of a sudden they could move again. They could taste reality again, breath it again, bask in it again. The girl that'd once trapped them gave them back control of their reality again. Even if it was thrust upon them by the very man who sought to control them, there was no way the girl ignored by the game would let anyone else wrong her friends.

"... sounds boring." Kunai felt the need to ruin Monika's moment. He began digging a finger into his ear.

"You said it. Why do you pick the themes every time? I say we make it cats." Natsuki said, secretly vying for the power of the president's post and injecting her ideas into the populace. She put the hammer down and leaned on it.

Yuri was too mesmerized by the knife in her hands and wasn't paying attention to anything. "The build... the distribution of weight... its feel in my hands... I want to show Kurama this." She smiled and took a few practice swings.

"Sounds great, Prez!" said Sayori, loyally and saluting. She then leaned close to Monika and whispered, "so... muffins after school? Just like we agreed?" she said, foolishly risking the exposure of Monika's corrupt practices.

Orochimaru glanced at his hand seals and back at the teenagers. They should be under his sway. What was happening? How deep did Kabuto's negligence run?

"Anyway let's beat this guy so we can find Naruto. He promised us a tour of the village," said Monika, tactfully changing topics before anyone questioned Sayori.

Orochimaru gave her an unimpressed look. "You think you can beat me?"

Monika grinned and took that as a challenge.

Five minutes later...

Sarutobi was staring at the sword embedded high up the wall in horror.

The girls, sans Monika, were staring at the sword embedded high up the wall in horror. Sayori shivered, Kunai comforted her with a hug.

Monika was dusting her hands with a satisfied smile at a job well done.

The Sound Four had deactivated the barrier and were staring slack jawed at the rope dangling off the sword in horror.

The ANBU had poofed onto the scene and gaped at the body hanging off the rope.

"Orochimaru-sama!" Kabuto landed on the roof. He saw his master's body hanging off the rope and jerked back in horror. With a shaking hand, he threw a kunai at the rope and caught the body in his arms as it fell.

" _Orochimaru-sama!"_ he let out an agonized scream and buried his head into the body. The Sound Four knelt beside him and one of them put a hand on the medic's shoulder. Kabuto sobbed, "he was so _young_! He had so much to live for! _Why?"_

The Leaf ninjas looked away out of respect. Because if it was the death of a powerful enemy, you always gave them their due respect. Fodder didn't count obviously.

The snake's hand suddenly grabbed the medic's shoulder and he spoke with a terrible rasp. " _Get us out of here!"_

Kabuto's eyes widened and he backed up. He saw the snake struggling to breath. He chirped happily. "Orochimaru-sama! You're alive! You were doing that trick where yo-"

Orochimaru slapped him. " _Not now you fool!"_

"Yes master!"

The Sound contingent poofed away.

...

The Leaf ninjas stood around awkwardly.

The Hokage coughed, "someone should probably look into that."

The ninjas nodded and poofed away.

The Hokage sighed and banished his staff. This was one ridiculous day. And going by the absence of any sound from his village, the battle had ended. He turned around to tell the girls they were free to use the hospital facilities.

But there was nothing but large pile of ash.

Frowning, the Hokage stepped closer and observed the black powder. He dispersed it with his sandal.

A red bow fell from within the heap. Sarutobi knelt and dug further with his hands.

An exquisite knife made itself known.

More shifting of dust.

A wrinkled paper with a poem on it. It was about the gift of a name.

The ash fell away backwards.

A dusty muffin poked out. Sarutobi set it aside, it probably wasn't good for consumption anymore.

And at the very base of the pile was the tablet he remembered giving Naruto, looking as new as the day he'd gifted it to the boy.

He picked it up and felt something attached behind it. He flipped it and removed the sheet he could feel there. It was a note.

' _Thank you Naruto, Kurama, Minato for believing we are real._

_Natsuki: Minato-san I'm still holding you to your offer of coaching me to become the president. You make political theory so exciting! Especially the backstabbing 'gotcha!' part.  
_

_Yuri: Hi Kurama... I'm sad I didn't get to see you. Don't lay waste to humanity without me? Hah.  
_

_Sayori: So like, stop teasing me with all the delicious food you keep promising okay! You keep making me hungry... And don't worry Naruto! I'm much better now! (at least as long as I know what's happening) :)._

_Kunai: Hah! Take that bastard! My name's Kunai now. And I ain't changing it! So screw you calling me Punk, Dipshit, Asshole, and whatever other names you keep naming me!_

_Monika: Sorry Naruto-kun. Running out of time. Can't say much. Felt others deserved to say their piece before me. Just know this Naruto-kun. Even if you think you're alone and think everything is going to hell. Just remember._

_All: We're always by your side._

_Natsuki: Even if some of us are murderous bitches._

_Monika: Would you quit it already? I already apolog-_

Naruto finished reading the letter and had tears in his eyes. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see the Hokage's kind face. "Turn it around, Naruto," he said.

The boy turned the letter around and he choked up. A teary but immensely happy smile tore across his face.

It was a photo of the gang in the club.

They were all smiling.

Naruto sniffled in joy.

There was finally happiness in the literature club.

And while Naruto longed to meet them. Talk to them. Laugh with them. And really get to know them.

For now?

The smiles on their faces as they heckled the MC was enough.

Naruto chuckled. Poor guy, at least he's always got Sayori on his side.

* * *

_Elsewhere in a forest hot springs_

A striking man wearing a forehead protector with a slashed out spiral relaxed in the hot water. A towel lay on his shoulders while a basket with a black cloak sat under a nearby tree.

He frowned as he read the newspaper he'd pinched in the last town.

'''-following the events of what is now being called the 'Konoha Crush' the venerable Third Hokage has announced his intentions to abdicate. In a press announcement, he'd declared and we quote, "I'm getting too old for this shit." His ex-teammates, the village elders, showed him their support. This wasn't evident via any statements, however their blissful smiles as they stood behind the Kage was indication enough. It is rumored that they threw him a party after all official engagements.

Shimura Danzo, the Third Hokage's harshest critic, had his own opinion on the matter.

"I think it is quite irresponsible of my friend and closest confidant to retire at a time his village needs him most. While the damages might not be as heavy due to our ally, the Sand's, support. It is still imperative that Konoha be seen as the stalwart pillar of peace and strength that it is. Especially after an invasion. Now if I were the Hokage, my very first policy would be to-". The ex-ninja continued with listing his campaign promises for the Hokage's position [More details on page 12].

The tremors of this announcement are being felt all over the continent. When reached for comment Kumo denied any-'''

The man stood up and tied his towel around his waist. His red eyes spun with menace as he made his way to his clothes.

"Kisame."

A man with blue skin poked his head out of the water. One could see his shark teeth as he spoke.

"Yeah?"

"I believe it's time we visited my hometown." The man with the red eyes slid his shirt over his shoulders and tightened his kunai holsters. "A sudden attack of cravings, you understand."

The blue man jumped out of the hot springs and shook himself dry, much to the red eyed man's annoyance. Kisame smiled, his shark teeth on full display, "there _will_ be action right?"

"Possibly."

Kisame picked up his own shirt. "Good enough for me."

Uchiha Itachi looked away as his partner began clothing himself and stared at the road ahead.

It was about time he paid his dear brother a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Sup, me mates?
> 
> How're y'all? Doing great I hope! :)
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter!
> 
> Have a great day, me hearties!
> 
> Ciao~


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